Philip Terence McCrum

Philip Terence McCrum, passed away 27th June 2007 aged 58 years.
Phil was a stonemason and he lived in Saltaire, Shipley. He was married to a wonderful and inspiring lady called Clare and They have twin sons Joe and Chris.
Phil was diagnosed at the age of 52 with early onset Alzheimers disease.


My beautiful big brother was the oldest of four children, next in line was Shaun then Mary then me. Our parents are Mona, the most loving and loyal mother anyone could wish for, and Jimmy a fantastic Dad who sadly passed away on 5th Nov 2006 aged 83.

My big brother was 15 years older than me and as far back as I can remember I worshipped the ground he walked on. He was beautiful, he had the most gorgeous blue eyes and a smile that lit up the whole of his face. He was a serious follower of fashion, always looking smart with never a hair out of place. Shaun made great use of Phil's fashion sense, usually, waiting until Phil had gone out then helping himself to anything he fancied.

Big collared shirts, platform shoes and long hair were the uniform of the time and Phil carried it off with style, he was born to look "that" good.
Phil had many female admirers and never a shortage of girlfriends. He loved to get dressed up and go out, he loved to dance and have a good time. His taste in music was varied and if he could dance to it then all the better. He had many, many friends and although I maybe, am rather biased, I can honestly say I have never heard a bad word spoken about him.

He was one of those people who, if you met him, you liked him. He had a really wicked sense of humour and was a loyal and trusted friend. He worked hard all of his life, many years of which he spent working for the Gas board, outside digging holes in all kinds of weather, he also spent many years working in the stone industry, again outside in all kinds of weather.

Phil was a fantastic brother to me Shaun and Mary and he was a wonderful and very much loved son and we were all thrilled when he met a shy, pretty girl by the name of Clare.

Phil was so happy and I remember late one Sunday evening sitting in Mums kitchen with him and he asked me to help him choose a ring because he was going to ask the all important question..........She said yes.

In later years talking with Clare she told me that when Phil initially asked her out she actually said no, thank God she had a change of heart.

After they were married they settled into a lovely house in Saltaire and went about married life. Me, Phil,Shaun and Mary all used to visit Mums on a friday afternoon and then go to the local pub for a "few" and it was on one of these Friday afternoon visits to Mums that Phil announced that Clare was pregnant, not to be outdone, Shaun announced that his partner Jaquie was also pregnant, then Phil topped it all by annoucing that Clare was having twins.

Great frivolity followed and more than just a "few" were had in the local.

The twins were born prematurely and it was touch and go for a while. I can remember like it was yesterday, dropping Phil off late at night from the hospital and him turning and taking hold of my hand, with tears in his eyes he said to me "say a prayer for my boys".

Many prayers were said by many people and those boys are now strapping young men, both of whom are over 6 feet tall.

Philip worshipped his "boys" and Clare, he was so proud of his family and very protective of them. The next 13 years passed by so very quickly ,with them enjoying the usual family things, one of which were the many holidays they had together to their favourite Greek islands.

Phil had been having some problems, nothing major, for some time before anyone realised anything was wrong. He went to great lengths to keep this from everyone, taking himself off to his allotment for hours on end and avoiding being in company.

Just before his 53rd birthday we got the shocking and bewildering news that Phil had early onset Alzheimers disease.

Surely this couldnt be right, they must have made a mistake, he was only 52, this was an illness that "old" people suffered with, he had a wife and 13 year old twin sons and the rest of his life to look forward to!!!!

How wrong can you be?

This news came not so very long after our beloved Father had been diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia and Parkinsons disease, we were all still struggling to come to terms with that.

Somehow, as devastaing as it was, it was easier to accept my Fathers illness because he was 77 and had led a long and happy life, he had seen his children grow up and his grandchildren born and reach their teenage years. He had been married for over 50 years with a large and loving family.

But Phil, that was and still is,very hard to accept.

Like most people who have never had experience of someone suffering this cruel illness, we were in the dark and totally ignorant of its effects.

The dictionary definition of this illness is -

"A degenerative disease of the brain, associated with the development of abnormal tissues and protein deposits in the cerebral cortex and characterized by confusion, disorientation, memory failure, speech disturbances, and the progressive loss of mental capacity."

Very cold and clinical........it goes no way to preparing you for what this ilness really does.....

We all did the usual things like scouring the internet for information and contacting groups, one of which was our local Alzhiemers Society. They proved to be an invaluable source, not just of information, but support and understanding and for Clare especially, a lifeline when she reached the deepest, darkest depths that this illness plunges you into.

One of the saddest and hardest things to accept about this illness is the effect it has on family and friends. It seems to put an invisible barrier up around the sufferer which they are afraid to cross.

I personally spent many hours in a rage, calling Phil's friends for, what I percieved to be, ignoring him, forgetting him and worst of all, avoiding him. Everyone was concerned obviously, and when you spoke to them they were all full of great ideas and good intentions but sadly they never materialised. All the promised visits, trips out and such........never happened.The one time he really needed his friends, I believed they abandoned him and let him down.

I would like to apologise to those people for those thoughts that I had, I was hurting and in a strange and scary place at that time. He had lots of good friends which was proven by the sheer number of people who attended his funeral and their distress was evident I just couldnt see it at the time.

..........With hindsight I realise now that they, like us, were afraid of the unknown, they didnt know how to cope with this terrible illness or the effects it was having on Phil. They could not cope with what it did to him. We on the other hand had little choice but to cope( most of the time not very well I might add).

I have great love and admiration for Clare, I will never, as long as I live, be able to thank her enough for what she did for my beautiful big brother. She was a fantastic, loving, caring wife to him and gave him many happy years, she was also an amazing and inspirational mother to their boys. She coped with dignity and grace with the terrible hand that life had dealt her, she was strong and relentless in her love and care for Phil. He could never have known all those years ago when they first met, that the quiet pretty girl he took a fancy to, would turn out to be the amazing person she is. I know he would be so proud of her, and his "Boys".

This illness is sometimes called "The long goodbye" and in a dark and macabre way its quite fitting. We had 6 years of saying goodbye to Phil , Losing aspects of him bit by bit, watching this handsome, proud, funny, intelligent, beautiful man slowly dissapear before our very eyes and not being able to do a thing about it.

Phils funeral was a surreal experience, only 7 months after my Father had passed away, here we were saying goodbye to my beautiful big brother. He was not a very religous person so the service was more a look back on the life of a very special man. The music that was chosen, was chosen to make everyone smile, because thats what Phil did, he made you smile. The song we chose for entering the crematorium was The Goons, Ying Tong Song, Phil loved it and liked nothing better than to sing along in his best Peter Sellars voice. That is quite a long song but that day it was not quite long enough, people were still filing in and the room was not big enough to hold everyone, the doors had to be left open for those who could not get in.

Halfway through the service Joe and Chris had asked that a song be played from them for their Dad. If you have never heard this song then I advise you to, Its called "My Hero" by The Foo Fighters, a very fitting tribute to a wonderful Father.

The song we chose to leave to, was another one to make people smile, "Goodbye" by Peter Cooke and Dudley Moore, I know Phil would have been smiling.

Whilst Phil was very ill, Clare spent many, many hours sitting with him, talking to him and playing his favourite music for him. One of Phils particular favourites was Rod Stewart.
Clare played many "Rodders" songs for him and sang to him, but one she could never quite bring herself to listen to whilst sat there with him was the one she chose to be played, from her to him...."I'll Stand By You........

I will never quite understand why Phil was taken from us the way he was but one thing that will never be taken from us are the very many wonderful memories of the unique and special person he was.

You were more than special, I love you so very much...

I miss you Phil xxxx

I would ask that if ever this devastating illness affects anyone you know PLEASE try and make the time to call in for a visit. Even if its only for 10 mins, you really have no idea what a difference this would make, not just to the sufferer, but more so, to their carer. You may find it difficult and it may well be upsetting but then you can go home, their carer has to stay.....as devastating as this disease is for the sufferer.......the effects on the carer are equally devastating......